I've never met a happy person in an open relationship or with poly status. I've also never met a sober one. They must exist, I'm sure, but in my experience, alcohol abuse is how they deal with their clusterfuck of unhealthy relationships they engage in for short term pleasure and fear of abandonment.
I was in a "polyamorous" relationship. What I was really in was a relationship I should have gotten the fuck out of. If you want other partners, it typically means you don't want to be with the person you're with. I thought it was some kind of moral failing on my part, being "jealous" is so restrictive and archaic, right? I shouldn't want to pigeon-hold my partner in this old belief of "monogamy", it was wrong of me. Except, I ended up learning that it's not only ok to want to be monogamous, it's actually pretty favored for many reasons. I'm so glad to be out of that cluster fuck. Living your life with one other person and navigating that can be enough of a challenge (although I've now learned it shouldn't be "hard"), adding other people into it is just a whole world of drama, and as someone once a part of that community, I have not seen it be anything but intense drama, hurt, and ultimate failure.
I can soooo understand why people gt sucked into it but it is so toxic. Maaan, sometimes I want to slap 20 y o me. What you put up with for a bit of love and affection at that age...
Thank you for expressing so clearly so many thoughts that I’ve never been able to articulate within my own mind. Your words are always so poignant. Watching your videos has truly changed the way I construct my own life experiences and that is due to you introducing the succinct language and logic to strengthen my framework. Thanks for the multitude of insights in just this video alone. You leave me speechless! Forever grateful for your content. 💘
It is important to see the movement for polyamory/ethical non monogamy etc as under the queer theory umbrella along with the dismantling of concepts of man/woman adult/child. Queering the concepts of love, relationships, the family. I used to be very open minded to non monogamy and potentially in a tiny amount of cases it could work. But not for me
I used to be so open-minded too. But when I tried it out for good (i.e. deciding to "open up" a long-term relationship) it was like a slow-motion car crash. No amount of communication and honesty and good intentions can make palatable and sustainable something that is fundamentally based on dysfunctional principles. Having multiple partners while staying committed to a primary partner is corrosive -- to the original relationship, to the new relationships, to one's sense of integrity, and at a deeper level, to one's spirit.
There is no "right" way to do it. You can follow all the books, tick all the checklists, and you still end up with less trust, less commitment, less security, less certainty than you started out with.
I think ENM was part of a journey that I was destined to go down -- and as a result of the pain and drama that ensued I have worked on myself and adopted a firm set of boundaries, principles, and values -- but I still feel remorse over it. It still hits me at times how needlessly I complicated my own life and that of others; how far I strayed from the aspiration to create stability in my life, which deep down is what I (like almost all other humans) always wanted.
I was doing too much internet reading and intellectualizing, and failed to understand the fundamentals of what we as humans are evolved for. And I now see all these "theories" around identity and sexuality exactly for what they are: destructive, destabilising forces. I thought that, as a bisexual woman, they spoke for me, they pertained to me, they offered an alternative path for me... But I was wrong and I learned the hard way.
Wow. "I'm the therapist". Yeah, you don't want to risk any other authority figure influencing these women to consider their own needs instead of yours. It's shocking to me that someone would want a partner in their life who is clearly not able to give anywhere near as much as he takes.
Of my poly identifying friends, all the girls have significant social deficits and very high anxiety. At the centre of the polycule is where you'll find the most narcissistic person of the bunch. I only know one poly guy who is my friend. He is extremely extroverted and more on the monogamish side (only ever has one partner public facing to the friend group, but I guess both parties are cheating without calling it cheating). To be frank, I think he likely has been very hurt from his past breakups, that porn might be a factor, and that he might be more insecure than I realize.
It's been interesting to think about this topic. I've also taken that just because I'm in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that my needs are automatically met and that I should make more emotional and connection needs known. Thanks.
I am of the no pet T-words (by which I mean AGPs) school of thought. Whatever people thought this dude might add to the Genspect event, having him there was clearly not worth the hassle that people like him inevitably, ALWAYS bring. There is such a huge overlap with cluster B / narcissists in this demographic. Talking about them, fighting about them, discussing their attire - all playing into their hands. They are not like the Prishas of this world. Women are trying to be EXTRA fair towards them - you put way more thought into whether this is a double standard than any of these dudes ever put into fairness towards anyone but themselves. They're not worth the benefit of the doubt, not when it comes to a private event where you can make your own arbitrary rules.
And PS I loathe that this bubble is soooo, sooo ready to form a circular firing squad. I hated that they invited this prick, but not to the point where I want to fight with amazing women who have done a crapload of organising to prevent the sterilization of children and loss of women's rights.
The threesome in the last section reminded me so much of the manipulation described in the book "Renting Lacey" by Linda Smith. While this particular threesome situation does not necessarily involve the man prostituting the women (I'm guessing not since they're in their twenties) it's the same grooming that Smith describes with the pimps gaslighting and manipulating teen and pre-teen girls into relationships with them and with their new "wife in-laws". Anyway, I highly recommend the book for understanding how men sometimes manipulate women or girls into very bad situations.
Re the Genspect conference: I remember seeing these awful posts about you and thinking, WTF...? I was curious but didn't feel the need to form an (my own precious!) opinion to share on X I trust your judgment. – 10:19 No, absolutely do not underestimate women when it comes to abuse and enabling & promoting terrible ideologies.
I do know one throuple (threesome) that actually did work for around 20 years. 1 man, 2 women. The man used to get very annoyed when one of his male friends would decide polyamory was the way to go, then bring another woman home to the waifu, and of course it never worked out . My triad friends used to say the reason it worked was that they all fell in love with each other, it was mutual consent. So it did seem to be, and the three of them were very happy for a long time. The ladies each had a child with their mutual man, and it rolled along nicely. BUT -- could see that coming, right? -- after about 20 years together, one of the women became very emotionally unstable; she took her daughter and left the family. It's been a nightmare for all of them ever since; going in and out of family court over custody, family therapy sessions, endless stress. So even the one throuple I thought was very stable ended badly.
Being part of a couple is hard enough, I can't imagine trying to have more than one life partner at a time! Also curious to know how many polycules contain more men than women? That seems to be incredibly rare. I heard once that polyandry (more than one husband) was common among the ancient Hawaiians, but I've never heard about it in other groups.
The financial impact for the women in their later years could be dire if they stay in these types of situations.
My financial future in retirement, which started much earlier than I thought it would, is secure due to my husband's finances. I have legal and financial rights as a married woman. In addition to that, my husband has purchased another life insurance policy because he loves and honors me. Would this man secure the financial future of his harem?
Or will they be cast aside when they hit menopause (or their 30s)?
These women could end up alone and destitute at 60.
Dangerous.
Post Script: I used to volunteer at a Women's shelter. I taught computer skills and helped with resume writing. The shelter staff cooked breakfast and lunch at the resource center. (The women & children lived in a home off site, at an address that was kept secret.)
I noticed that older women would come in for meals and then leave.
When I asked about them, staff told me that they just came for meals because they lived alone on limited incomes and buying groceries was a struggle for them.
Women are vulnerable by our very nature.
Girls and young women need to be protected from predators like this man.
The entire course of their lives could be one ruination after another as a result of living in this kind of arrangement rather than a traditional marriage.
My heart also breaks for the detransitioners, the young transgender, the "girl bosses", and even the "MGTOW"s.
The social programmers are setting us up for loneliness, despair and destitution.
If I sound like Jane Austen, it's because I get it now... I get it on a visceral level.
I've never met a happy person in an open relationship or with poly status. I've also never met a sober one. They must exist, I'm sure, but in my experience, alcohol abuse is how they deal with their clusterfuck of unhealthy relationships they engage in for short term pleasure and fear of abandonment.
Great observation.
Wow saw your response and you also used "clusterfuck", it really is the perfect word for a polyamorous relationship.
works on 2 levels, haha!
Can confirm all of this.
Same!
I was in a "polyamorous" relationship. What I was really in was a relationship I should have gotten the fuck out of. If you want other partners, it typically means you don't want to be with the person you're with. I thought it was some kind of moral failing on my part, being "jealous" is so restrictive and archaic, right? I shouldn't want to pigeon-hold my partner in this old belief of "monogamy", it was wrong of me. Except, I ended up learning that it's not only ok to want to be monogamous, it's actually pretty favored for many reasons. I'm so glad to be out of that cluster fuck. Living your life with one other person and navigating that can be enough of a challenge (although I've now learned it shouldn't be "hard"), adding other people into it is just a whole world of drama, and as someone once a part of that community, I have not seen it be anything but intense drama, hurt, and ultimate failure.
I can soooo understand why people gt sucked into it but it is so toxic. Maaan, sometimes I want to slap 20 y o me. What you put up with for a bit of love and affection at that age...
Audio starts echoing around 14:30, not sure if it’s a Spotify app error or an editing error
Thanks, I'll fix it and reupload asap.
Video is currently not playing -- only audio. I am using Substack on mobile browser.
Any luck? This video can also be viewed on exulansic.com and rumble.com/c/exulansic. It is playing for me on my phone here at the moment.
Thank you, it's working now :)
Thank you for expressing so clearly so many thoughts that I’ve never been able to articulate within my own mind. Your words are always so poignant. Watching your videos has truly changed the way I construct my own life experiences and that is due to you introducing the succinct language and logic to strengthen my framework. Thanks for the multitude of insights in just this video alone. You leave me speechless! Forever grateful for your content. 💘
It is important to see the movement for polyamory/ethical non monogamy etc as under the queer theory umbrella along with the dismantling of concepts of man/woman adult/child. Queering the concepts of love, relationships, the family. I used to be very open minded to non monogamy and potentially in a tiny amount of cases it could work. But not for me
I used to be so open-minded too. But when I tried it out for good (i.e. deciding to "open up" a long-term relationship) it was like a slow-motion car crash. No amount of communication and honesty and good intentions can make palatable and sustainable something that is fundamentally based on dysfunctional principles. Having multiple partners while staying committed to a primary partner is corrosive -- to the original relationship, to the new relationships, to one's sense of integrity, and at a deeper level, to one's spirit.
There is no "right" way to do it. You can follow all the books, tick all the checklists, and you still end up with less trust, less commitment, less security, less certainty than you started out with.
I think ENM was part of a journey that I was destined to go down -- and as a result of the pain and drama that ensued I have worked on myself and adopted a firm set of boundaries, principles, and values -- but I still feel remorse over it. It still hits me at times how needlessly I complicated my own life and that of others; how far I strayed from the aspiration to create stability in my life, which deep down is what I (like almost all other humans) always wanted.
I was doing too much internet reading and intellectualizing, and failed to understand the fundamentals of what we as humans are evolved for. And I now see all these "theories" around identity and sexuality exactly for what they are: destructive, destabilising forces. I thought that, as a bisexual woman, they spoke for me, they pertained to me, they offered an alternative path for me... But I was wrong and I learned the hard way.
Wow. "I'm the therapist". Yeah, you don't want to risk any other authority figure influencing these women to consider their own needs instead of yours. It's shocking to me that someone would want a partner in their life who is clearly not able to give anywhere near as much as he takes.
Of my poly identifying friends, all the girls have significant social deficits and very high anxiety. At the centre of the polycule is where you'll find the most narcissistic person of the bunch. I only know one poly guy who is my friend. He is extremely extroverted and more on the monogamish side (only ever has one partner public facing to the friend group, but I guess both parties are cheating without calling it cheating). To be frank, I think he likely has been very hurt from his past breakups, that porn might be a factor, and that he might be more insecure than I realize.
It's been interesting to think about this topic. I've also taken that just because I'm in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that my needs are automatically met and that I should make more emotional and connection needs known. Thanks.
I am of the no pet T-words (by which I mean AGPs) school of thought. Whatever people thought this dude might add to the Genspect event, having him there was clearly not worth the hassle that people like him inevitably, ALWAYS bring. There is such a huge overlap with cluster B / narcissists in this demographic. Talking about them, fighting about them, discussing their attire - all playing into their hands. They are not like the Prishas of this world. Women are trying to be EXTRA fair towards them - you put way more thought into whether this is a double standard than any of these dudes ever put into fairness towards anyone but themselves. They're not worth the benefit of the doubt, not when it comes to a private event where you can make your own arbitrary rules.
And PS I loathe that this bubble is soooo, sooo ready to form a circular firing squad. I hated that they invited this prick, but not to the point where I want to fight with amazing women who have done a crapload of organising to prevent the sterilization of children and loss of women's rights.
Wasn't he just an attendee who bought a conference ticket? It's a public event. They didn't invite him.
They erred in promoting his book in a tweet (since deleted), and vowed not to take book recommendations without fully vetting them
The threesome in the last section reminded me so much of the manipulation described in the book "Renting Lacey" by Linda Smith. While this particular threesome situation does not necessarily involve the man prostituting the women (I'm guessing not since they're in their twenties) it's the same grooming that Smith describes with the pimps gaslighting and manipulating teen and pre-teen girls into relationships with them and with their new "wife in-laws". Anyway, I highly recommend the book for understanding how men sometimes manipulate women or girls into very bad situations.
Re the Genspect conference: I remember seeing these awful posts about you and thinking, WTF...? I was curious but didn't feel the need to form an (my own precious!) opinion to share on X I trust your judgment. – 10:19 No, absolutely do not underestimate women when it comes to abuse and enabling & promoting terrible ideologies.
I do know one throuple (threesome) that actually did work for around 20 years. 1 man, 2 women. The man used to get very annoyed when one of his male friends would decide polyamory was the way to go, then bring another woman home to the waifu, and of course it never worked out . My triad friends used to say the reason it worked was that they all fell in love with each other, it was mutual consent. So it did seem to be, and the three of them were very happy for a long time. The ladies each had a child with their mutual man, and it rolled along nicely. BUT -- could see that coming, right? -- after about 20 years together, one of the women became very emotionally unstable; she took her daughter and left the family. It's been a nightmare for all of them ever since; going in and out of family court over custody, family therapy sessions, endless stress. So even the one throuple I thought was very stable ended badly.
Being part of a couple is hard enough, I can't imagine trying to have more than one life partner at a time! Also curious to know how many polycules contain more men than women? That seems to be incredibly rare. I heard once that polyandry (more than one husband) was common among the ancient Hawaiians, but I've never heard about it in other groups.
The financial impact for the women in their later years could be dire if they stay in these types of situations.
My financial future in retirement, which started much earlier than I thought it would, is secure due to my husband's finances. I have legal and financial rights as a married woman. In addition to that, my husband has purchased another life insurance policy because he loves and honors me. Would this man secure the financial future of his harem?
Or will they be cast aside when they hit menopause (or their 30s)?
These women could end up alone and destitute at 60.
Dangerous.
Post Script: I used to volunteer at a Women's shelter. I taught computer skills and helped with resume writing. The shelter staff cooked breakfast and lunch at the resource center. (The women & children lived in a home off site, at an address that was kept secret.)
I noticed that older women would come in for meals and then leave.
When I asked about them, staff told me that they just came for meals because they lived alone on limited incomes and buying groceries was a struggle for them.
Women are vulnerable by our very nature.
Girls and young women need to be protected from predators like this man.
The entire course of their lives could be one ruination after another as a result of living in this kind of arrangement rather than a traditional marriage.
My heart also breaks for the detransitioners, the young transgender, the "girl bosses", and even the "MGTOW"s.
The social programmers are setting us up for loneliness, despair and destitution.
If I sound like Jane Austen, it's because I get it now... I get it on a visceral level.
Why are the women draped in blankets??