I've experienced all aspects of suicide. My 19 year old brother's was the worst. I was 17. I hurt myself and others for 19 years, until all that became too painful and I sought help to stop.
At 6 I was told my father chose to leave us. But now that I'm a little more sophisticated, I think that it was more likely that he was suicided. They got his boss 2 years after my dad. They were brilliant mathematicians for RAND and DoD. They probably refused to do something horrible with their genius minds.
But the result was the same for my family, regardless of who pulled the trigger and arranged the body so...publicly. Someone wanted others to see what happened to my father.
So there was significant pain and trauma in that.
I know what it's like to want to end myself. There is simply no capacity to consider anyone or anything else. The mind is 100% full of pain. I tried explaining this to my best friend when she asked, "Didn't you think about what this would do to ME?"
No, I didn't. I couldn't. There was no more room in my head.
I know what it's like to want to end myself when I am emotionally healthy and otherwise happy, but my body is torturing me 24/7/365 due to "autoimmune" disease.
I got my remaining family together and said, "Look. I need you all to know I'm not depressed. But I need to kill myself because this pain never stops, and I can only lie in bed and suffer. I'm leaving. I love you all."
My sister said, "This is insane! You need painkillers!"
I had been sober for 5 years, and my sobriety was the central part of my life. Carrying on living while on painkillers had never occurred to me.
All the doctors I saw knew how painful Interstitial Cystitis was, they knew people killed themselves because of this, and not one of the doctors tried to help me.
With my family advocating for me, and paying gigantic sums of money for my painkillers, I stayed alive.
Things are much better now. I no longer need both 100 mcg fentanyl transdermal patches+120 mg oxy daily.
But I needed a lot of help, I needed the pain stopped so I could calm down, research and find dietary, herbal and lifestyle changes that would take the place of Rxs.
I did die in 1987 by accident. I wasn't trying to die. I had been hit by a bus and 3 Drs were prescribing for me. This was before pharmacies were linked. I stopped my heart when I combined all the Rxs.
I had a near-death experience that changed me forever. I chose to return to this body and this time continuum.
I didn't have to return.
I understood everything on the other side.
I understood that we are the bravest of the brave, those of us who have chosen to have lifetimes on Earth.
We are the Navy Seals, the elite souls who seek out challenges and hardships, because we know that in learning to overcome we grow exponentially.
Some souls have chosen to experience 100% separation from Source.
These are the atheists.
I don't understand this soul desire, it seems too painful, too hard.
But others do not understand the life challenges I set up for myself, so...
Every person here is worthy of honor, respect, and Love.
WOW, this comment is a whole mood and filled with so much...thank you for sharing.
The story about your Dad is wild, to state the obvious. I would have no trouble believing that RAND or DoD were involved. I am sorry for the loss of both your Dad and your brother.
I understand the autoimmune disease existence. I have MS and am in pain 24/7. I have had all the pain killers, both narcotic and otherwise, and nothing really works. Yes narcotic painkillers take the edge off, but tolerance is a problem as is having too many healthcare providers in the mix, my GP, neurologist, Pain Clinic Physiatrist...each putting me on and then taking me off pain killers, like I'm a guinea pig chemistry experiment, putting me in withdrawal while one doctor fiddles with the other doctors rx, then over prescribing another and turning me into a bedridden zombie...it's good times.
And MAiD, I am Canadian. Keeping me alive is very expensive for the government. My disease modifying therapies alone cost a small fortune, mixed in with the symptom meds. I am sure Trudeau would love to put me in the ground. It is not lost on me how many medical resources I drain and the cost the taxpayers, with having MS. I know I am a burden financially.
I used to say I am an atheist, but now I say I am a Naturalist. Thomas Clark's book "Encountering Naturalism: A Worldview and Its Uses" really speaks to me.
It would appear my brain is a on a bit of a tangent here (can we blame the lesions on my brain, courtesy of MS?) as I just wanted to say I really appreciate everything you wrote. It resonated with me. I am glad you are here and you chose to keep moving forward.
I'm learning about things we can do to naturally repair our nervous systems/myelin sheath damage.
I'm having good results with high doses of B12 and B complex vitamins. I wonder if that might help you?
I began having seizures after my last childhood vxx. In the 1970s the mandatory poisoning schedule ended at around age 6 or 7.
When I take B12 4x a day I need less or no seizure Rx- it's very exciting, and I'm recommending it my friends with sudden neuro damage/MS symptoms.
I know we can heal our bodies-minds-spirits in many ways. I had a miraculous cure from spinal cancer & paralysis by using organic produce, juices, liver detoxes, and doing meditation.
Yesterday I heard this woman's story, Robin Aisha Landsong, and she uses song as medicine.
I've seen this done in other cultures, the horse and Yurt people of the Russian steppe (I can't think of their name.)
They could sing their injured horses back to health.
I used resonance in my meditations, I brought the memory of deep love into my heart, and I projected outward, to the whole world.
It seemed to have boomeranged back at me and healed me.
I'm going to get an appointment with Robin to help me thru the trauma we've all endured since 2020.
Listening to her sing, I finally recognized that I'm SAD, not furious. I know that we hold trauma in our bodies, and it makes us sick.
Healing this trauma heals our bodies.
Perhaps this will interest you, too 🙏 There is a video embedded in this website:
At the beginning of this video, below, Robin sings, and I could feel this so deeply in my soul that I just started weeping. This is very powerful medicine. It's energetic medicine that transcends words.
I have Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, which is flared up by water damaged buildings (so...almost all of them). At its worst, it feels like my nervous system is on fire, and all I can think of is killing myself.
That's how I know I need to get out of whatever location I'm in, lol. Took me a long time to realize it, though. That it wasn't me, it was my inflamed nervous system screaming for relief. Can't trust your brain when it gets like that.
But as long as you're alive, things can improve. Even just a little bit.
Holy crap, I also have IC. Also, my brother was killed by a drunk trucker when he was 23. If you want to DM/email me sometime I'm open to it. Sunriseblessings @ gmail dot com.
I lost a brother 50 years ago to "suicide by cop" (mental casualty of Viet Nam). And an employee 20 years ago who killed herself in my shop. I greive them still, but I'll never forgive them.
1st time: standing in a large cave, naked people groaning & crawling against the walls, i was the only one clothed & upright. there appeared a pool of luminescent blue water & a figure emerged holding an open black book, he grimaced "this is not how you die" & pushed me into the water. i fell thru light, thru water, thru darkness, then i recognized the earth rushing, falling back into my body.
Last Time: on a mound, hill, mountain (?) nothing but fog below, gray above. it's Yeshua in a recognizable form. "if you try again, i'll send you back unable to hurt yourself". (i know what He meant)
I’ve flirted with suicide since I was 16. Part of it comes from growing up online, I think. There’s messages about it everywhere. That it’s the answer to suffering. And though I’ve done a lot of healing, the answer pops into my head even still. It’s hard to break out of the habit of thinking it’s the answer.
Yknow, one of the things that helped me a lot when I go through those depressive swings was something you said Exulansic. Depression alters your memory. It makes you think that all you’ve ever known was pain in an attempt to beckon you into darkness. So when it hurts so much it feels like it’s all I’ve ever known, I force myself to sit down and remember. I write down the names of everyone I care about, wrack my memory for it. Then everything I care about. And at the end it doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore. Understanding how depression can alter your memory and doing specific exercises to counteract that has been a gift I can’t thank you enough for.
I hurt so much for those pining for medical retransition. What beautiful souls they must be to have been hurt so much and yet continue to trust. I’m angry that doctors get to abuse that trust again and again. I sincerely hope they find healing and acceptance within themselves, and that people would stop telling everyone that answer is an external one.
What 'ME' below said. An incredibly helpful post, really an essay worth wider sharing. And this because when a functioning, achieving, articulate person discloses they themselves have actively asked for help, and many times, it goes a long way to destigmatize both the taboo, secretive thoughts of un-@living, and the choice to reach out.
The writer Donald Antrim has also written quite a bit on his own long-term struggle with mood disorder and his obsessive thoughts about un-@living and his choice to hospitalize for long periods at times. It's remarkable writing, easily found in excerpts in the New Yorker and I think a recent memoir.
“I truly believe we do not survive our own death, and there is nothing on the other side. I believe if you believe otherwise, you are certainly mistaken, and have entertained fantasies and believed lies.” If you are a materialist, then it is *yourself* who is mistaken, have entertained fantasies, and believed lies. There is no evidence for a dead, chemically driven universe, only this fallacy that serves established interests. Please check out the newest images from the James Webb Space Telescope. Heterodox scientists have stated for *decades* that there’s no evidence of any Big Bang, ever! Redshift does not equal distance or age, nor is the universe expanding. Dark matter and dark energy are religious concepts concocted out of thin air, because they are pathologically unable/refuse to correct errors in their theory, and build upon that scurrilous theory previously expounded upon. A shaky scaffold indeed! We need a paradigm shift to take place in the institutions that dare to call themselves “scientific” authorities. I think that most of your commenters would be in agreement about our admiration for The Scientific Method. Unfortunately, The Scientific Method isn’t what guides these institutions in the first place. They are ruled by politics, which always serves the ruling class at the expense of everyone and everything else. There’s not much Science being conducted by these institutions, as their thinking is quite fossilized. Materialism as a belief system is at least as harmful as organized religion has been and is. I just decided to go looking for some Science in the industries that purport to be scientific, and really just can’t find any significant amounts of it. At the institutional level, the authorities strongly resemble constipated elders with neurological deficits like dementia. Civilization, as it has expressed itself under patriarchy, is nothing more than group mental illness. Most as-called civilized people in my observation are terrified of Nature and codependent with technological civilization in distancing themselves from and abusing it. Civilized people are the sickest, silliest people on the planet! Surely something profound has caused people to go down this path. The Late Bronze Collapse was a much bigger deal than mainstream “scientific” authorities have considered it to be, as in there were profound effects on people at that time, and massive implications for civilizations that restarted or formed after it. I hope our species survives long enough to discover what those ancient conditions actually were, but it isn’t looking good to me at the moment. I now am as impatient with materialism as I used to be with persons of faith. Just wait until you’ve been exposed to a truly broad range of scientific opinions on the matter, and you’ll begin to hear the geologist’s tales about their false history of the Earth as quite like the silly fantasies that come out of religious scriptures. These “scientific” authorities deserve a lot more scrutiny from the public about their activities and claims than they’re currently receiving. How many lobotomy-type scandals will the public endure before they understand that this is a priesthood not unlike the papacy? Mechanical, materialist reductionism was invented by men of faith who believed in their own superiority to the papacy. They were for the most part monied men tinkering with adult Tinkertoys, and viewed the universe as a grand clockwork, with a clockmaker (a.k.a. “God”) outside of time that created it. The Big Bang Theory was approved of by Catholic and Protestant leaders, probably because of this. No problem with people thinking or saying what they do, as long as we can freely state our own objections to seemingly “settled” science. I encourage no one to place their *faith* in these institutional authorities, but do hope for greater awareness of the lack of objectivity and accountability they currently have, and actual, increased application of The Scientific Method. Thanks for letting me comment here. I’m not as pissed off at the m-f-ers tonight. (My sister is a political prisoner in a headshrinker institution. Nineteen years and counting.)
It’s the lengthening of wavelength of electromagnetic radiation. Wikipedia says it better than I can off the top of my head: “In physics, a redshift is an increase in the wavelength, and corresponding decrease in the frequency and photon energy, of electromagnetic radiation (such as light). The opposite change, a decrease in wavelength and simultaneous increase in frequency and energy, is known as a negative redshift, or blueshift. The terms derive from the colours red and blue which form the extremes of the visible light spectrum.” Supposedly, observers predicted that they’d find redshifted and primitive galaxies at the edge of the known universe, but they’ve now seen (with JWST) that there are celestial objects within the same galaxies that display vastly different redshifts, meaning that redshift cannot be indicating age nor distance, as well as there being no discernible “edge” that they expected, only more well-formed galaxies that according to their (faulty) theory, shouldn’t be there at all. Kind of like the result of the Hubble Telescope’s Deep Field image. Instead of scrapping BB Theory, they continually tweak it to match recent observations! That’s not how Science is supposed to work. Viable cosmological theory should be based primarily upon observation, not abstract mathematical theory. Since I lack formal education, I think I have some understanding of what a deaf person who lacks sign language experiences when attempting to communicate, just to a lesser degree. So many industries are directly invested in current practices that depend on the chemical (BBT) paradigm that there is rather extreme resistance to course correction. For instance, a favorite writer of mine who is an award-winning investigative journalist named Graham Hancock, gets called a “psuedoscientist” for daring to inquire of those who hold unorthodox scientific opinions (particularly in archaeology) and write about it. These are not the accusations of mature, objective scientists, but an emotionally immature and insecure group of people. I’ve read his books since 1996, and the guy writes in an exciting, gripping way about real mysteries surrounding the beginnings of civilization. It sickens me to hear of billions (and ultimately, trillions) of dollars being spent on wasteful projects such as searching for non-existent particles and the like. The fact of more than enough foodstuffs being produced every year to feed everyone on the planet, yet people are still being allowed to starve to death. This isn’t great advancement, other than advanced depravity resulting from mental illness. Anyway, we must have a paradigm shift to a more accurate theory of the universe. Materialism’s most defective offspring is Transhumanism, I think. It has led us directly to the horrors we’re currently witnessing in the medical industry. You have an active vocational life and may not be as keenly interested as I am in investigating the institutions of science, but I’m rather desperately trying to make sense of the harm I’ve so consistently been visited with by representatives mainly from the medical industry. I had “betrayal blindness” towards the psychological experts themselves, before I discovered their criminal acts committed against me when I was a child. Funny how in that industry, the more they harm people, the more business ultimately comes their way. How can anything improve in their treatment of the public if they rarely (if ever) have to be held responsible for their mistakes, incompetencies, and even criminal harms? The Tas Tepelier sites (hey, you know Turkish!) weren’t even predicted to exist at all, and then once they were discovered, the “experts” caused themselves to look foolish as hell to those of us who are keen to investigate the origins of agriculture and civilization by declaring that so-and-so many people could have erected the monoliths, etc. So they didn’t predict the existence of these sites, but once found, they know all about how and why it was done! Looks like a bunch of arrogant know-nothings to me, but maybe I’m just a grumpy old lady. Please don’t ever laugh again at human body structures that you (and the “experts”) don’t understand! The nerve connections in the human throat may have been more obviously useful in past ages than they are now, rather like the vermiform appendix. Nature isn’t wasteful or stupid, and I tend towards a humble attitude when observing or investigating biological organisms, in particular. Those claiming to be “scientific” would do well to do likewise, and then maybe they would receive more respect from the public for their efforts. If our consciousness is just a byproduct of cerebral activity, why the obsession with controlling it? Damned advertisers trying to grab our attention every waking moment in order to sell crap to us. It is imperative to distract us so that we rely on ready-made materialistic explanations provided to us by “experts.” Groupthink is destructive in every situation I’ve discovered it in, and consciousness just well may be more than what materialism leads us to think that it is. I hold out the hope that reality is far more wondrous and mysterious than we currently imagine!
I have known Him since birth. He has shown me impossible things.
think of it as another dimension. there's no linear time, it's always present for Them. some of Them are here. the Good & lots of Bad ones. They do experience time. The Good are weary of it but are dutiful.
Everyone who can reach beyond the Material (our reality) can see the veil.
Dawn & Dusk. it's the easiest time to see them. light & shadows, negative space (between the trees, among the bushes, etc..)
the Blessing to "see" The Holy is also a curse to see the demons too.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve not consciously met up with any non-physical entities myself, but some of my relatives have. I accepted the “chemical imbalance” theory until I just couldn’t any longer. The medical/psychiatric/psychological services industry harms a lot of people with its consistent denial of authentic human experience. Good of you to note that not all of the entities are helpful, either. I don’t think one of my sisters is able to determine that, which is a real downside to this kind of interaction. At least she doesn’t take doctor dope to burn her brain out and enrich Big Pharma.
i spent years, decades in & out of psych wards because of it.
for a decade i punished people who mocked me by tuning into spirits & energies around them. i told them when loved one would die or the disaster awaiting them .. but that was cruel. i was just angry.
i spent 5 years chasing pedo demons. i made mistake going after certain Catholic cult. (ended up w/a plague of frogs & i lost all my teeth. HA!)
when Yeshua says" you're either for Me or against Me". He's not talking about Himself .. He is referring to Good.
People worship Nature cuz that's a powerful Godly energy. because they want to be part of earth (many Native Americans fell into this & are still here) .. that BINDS you to this material reality.
Don't become attached to this world!
our flesh is a training center. it's to build up our Spiritual Wisdom.
from what i've seen, some are allowed to keep trying (reincarnation).
i dont know .. "lately" i see lots of zombies. "let the dead bury the dead"
Best thing is to keep an open heart. (that isn't same as being a doormat)
Trust but verify! whether it's flesh or spirit.
and sorry for rant.
the universe is intelligent design.
Science claims "dark matter" is absolutely real but has yet to confirm it.
like Gravity: there's a formula, there's math, it's observable,... but science doesn't know why. it is what it is.
This couldn't have come at a better time, Ex. When you go down the rabbit hole yet again, it seems harder to climb out each time. I feel so helpless to help and it's wearing me down. This fight for my son (who is captured) and all the others captured or about to be, is daunting at best. Once again I thank you a thousand times for your inspiring fortitude. I truly love you. 💗
Someone once said, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. I marvel at our body's pain messaging system which alerts us to problems that require attention. I also marvel at its ability to heal itself - most of the time, and sometimes requiring help. What mostly blows my mind is that it requires little conscious direction. Whether it's physical or emotional, our innate biological processes are set up to keep us both alive and healthy. If we're living in a natural environment not filled with toxic air, water or soil, we actually do quite well. With the exception of severe injuries or congenital abnormalities.
Our problem as a species is we're too 'smart' for our own good. Our intellect outstrips our emotional maturity. We've reconfigured our biosphere to such an extreme we can no longer survive in it. Not so smart. We are short term thinkers. At least the 'civilized' members if our species. In trying to dominate and subdue nature, we've lost our vital connection to it. We're now paying the price both individually and collectively.
I have experienced/currently experiencing many of the things referenced in your piece. I do not have the words to express how enormously helpful this was for me to read and re-read.
This needs to published in a higher “traffic” spot and/or re-blogged and spread virally.
Your thinking and writing is so profound, so brilliant and so healing—such a gift to humanity. Thank you, Exulansic.
It's hard sometimes to deal with my chronic pain. Especially since the opioid hysteria means it's undertreated. More than despair, most of the time I just have rage. I try to push that into fuel for my writing, passion projects, etc. But sometimes it's overwhelming.
Thank you for your words. You do a lot of good in the world.
Existence is pain.
- Mr Meeseeks
The first of the four noble truths: life is suffering.
This is hands down the best piece of writing on suicide that I've ever read. And I've read Durkheim.
Agreed. And also Me.
MAiD is evil. And very convenient for the state.
I've experienced all aspects of suicide. My 19 year old brother's was the worst. I was 17. I hurt myself and others for 19 years, until all that became too painful and I sought help to stop.
At 6 I was told my father chose to leave us. But now that I'm a little more sophisticated, I think that it was more likely that he was suicided. They got his boss 2 years after my dad. They were brilliant mathematicians for RAND and DoD. They probably refused to do something horrible with their genius minds.
But the result was the same for my family, regardless of who pulled the trigger and arranged the body so...publicly. Someone wanted others to see what happened to my father.
So there was significant pain and trauma in that.
I know what it's like to want to end myself. There is simply no capacity to consider anyone or anything else. The mind is 100% full of pain. I tried explaining this to my best friend when she asked, "Didn't you think about what this would do to ME?"
No, I didn't. I couldn't. There was no more room in my head.
I know what it's like to want to end myself when I am emotionally healthy and otherwise happy, but my body is torturing me 24/7/365 due to "autoimmune" disease.
I got my remaining family together and said, "Look. I need you all to know I'm not depressed. But I need to kill myself because this pain never stops, and I can only lie in bed and suffer. I'm leaving. I love you all."
My sister said, "This is insane! You need painkillers!"
I had been sober for 5 years, and my sobriety was the central part of my life. Carrying on living while on painkillers had never occurred to me.
All the doctors I saw knew how painful Interstitial Cystitis was, they knew people killed themselves because of this, and not one of the doctors tried to help me.
With my family advocating for me, and paying gigantic sums of money for my painkillers, I stayed alive.
Things are much better now. I no longer need both 100 mcg fentanyl transdermal patches+120 mg oxy daily.
But I needed a lot of help, I needed the pain stopped so I could calm down, research and find dietary, herbal and lifestyle changes that would take the place of Rxs.
I did die in 1987 by accident. I wasn't trying to die. I had been hit by a bus and 3 Drs were prescribing for me. This was before pharmacies were linked. I stopped my heart when I combined all the Rxs.
I had a near-death experience that changed me forever. I chose to return to this body and this time continuum.
I didn't have to return.
I understood everything on the other side.
I understood that we are the bravest of the brave, those of us who have chosen to have lifetimes on Earth.
We are the Navy Seals, the elite souls who seek out challenges and hardships, because we know that in learning to overcome we grow exponentially.
Some souls have chosen to experience 100% separation from Source.
These are the atheists.
I don't understand this soul desire, it seems too painful, too hard.
But others do not understand the life challenges I set up for myself, so...
Every person here is worthy of honor, respect, and Love.
Simply because they are here!
If you are struggling- please ask for help.
Keep moving forward.
It gets better.
It's gets so much better!!!
WOW, this comment is a whole mood and filled with so much...thank you for sharing.
The story about your Dad is wild, to state the obvious. I would have no trouble believing that RAND or DoD were involved. I am sorry for the loss of both your Dad and your brother.
I understand the autoimmune disease existence. I have MS and am in pain 24/7. I have had all the pain killers, both narcotic and otherwise, and nothing really works. Yes narcotic painkillers take the edge off, but tolerance is a problem as is having too many healthcare providers in the mix, my GP, neurologist, Pain Clinic Physiatrist...each putting me on and then taking me off pain killers, like I'm a guinea pig chemistry experiment, putting me in withdrawal while one doctor fiddles with the other doctors rx, then over prescribing another and turning me into a bedridden zombie...it's good times.
And MAiD, I am Canadian. Keeping me alive is very expensive for the government. My disease modifying therapies alone cost a small fortune, mixed in with the symptom meds. I am sure Trudeau would love to put me in the ground. It is not lost on me how many medical resources I drain and the cost the taxpayers, with having MS. I know I am a burden financially.
I used to say I am an atheist, but now I say I am a Naturalist. Thomas Clark's book "Encountering Naturalism: A Worldview and Its Uses" really speaks to me.
It would appear my brain is a on a bit of a tangent here (can we blame the lesions on my brain, courtesy of MS?) as I just wanted to say I really appreciate everything you wrote. It resonated with me. I am glad you are here and you chose to keep moving forward.
I'm so sorry you are suffering so!
I'm learning about things we can do to naturally repair our nervous systems/myelin sheath damage.
I'm having good results with high doses of B12 and B complex vitamins. I wonder if that might help you?
I began having seizures after my last childhood vxx. In the 1970s the mandatory poisoning schedule ended at around age 6 or 7.
When I take B12 4x a day I need less or no seizure Rx- it's very exciting, and I'm recommending it my friends with sudden neuro damage/MS symptoms.
I know we can heal our bodies-minds-spirits in many ways. I had a miraculous cure from spinal cancer & paralysis by using organic produce, juices, liver detoxes, and doing meditation.
Yesterday I heard this woman's story, Robin Aisha Landsong, and she uses song as medicine.
I've seen this done in other cultures, the horse and Yurt people of the Russian steppe (I can't think of their name.)
They could sing their injured horses back to health.
I used resonance in my meditations, I brought the memory of deep love into my heart, and I projected outward, to the whole world.
It seemed to have boomeranged back at me and healed me.
I'm going to get an appointment with Robin to help me thru the trauma we've all endured since 2020.
Listening to her sing, I finally recognized that I'm SAD, not furious. I know that we hold trauma in our bodies, and it makes us sick.
Healing this trauma heals our bodies.
Perhaps this will interest you, too 🙏 There is a video embedded in this website:
https://robinlandsong.com/memoir/
At the beginning of this video, below, Robin sings, and I could feel this so deeply in my soul that I just started weeping. This is very powerful medicine. It's energetic medicine that transcends words.
https://youtu.be/gPOKqDeOTLY
Lastly, thank you so much for your kind words. 🙏🪻⚘️💐✨️
Thank you for sharing this.
I have Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, which is flared up by water damaged buildings (so...almost all of them). At its worst, it feels like my nervous system is on fire, and all I can think of is killing myself.
That's how I know I need to get out of whatever location I'm in, lol. Took me a long time to realize it, though. That it wasn't me, it was my inflamed nervous system screaming for relief. Can't trust your brain when it gets like that.
But as long as you're alive, things can improve. Even just a little bit.
🙏🙏💗💗✨️
Holy crap, I also have IC. Also, my brother was killed by a drunk trucker when he was 23. If you want to DM/email me sometime I'm open to it. Sunriseblessings @ gmail dot com.
Do you know about limiting salt? That helped me so much. I'll take a few Prelief tablets of I want to eat potato chips or anything salty.
Preview has been a life saver!
Also, limit or eliminate coffee, black tea, and alcohol.
I was drinking Orange Pekoe tea all day (black tea) I felt so much better when I stopped.
In very sorry to hear about your brother. 🙏 Losing a sibling hurts in ways that b other deaths don't.
Blessings ✨️🙏✨️💐⚘️🪻🥀🌺
I lost a brother 50 years ago to "suicide by cop" (mental casualty of Viet Nam). And an employee 20 years ago who killed herself in my shop. I greive them still, but I'll never forgive them.
1st time: standing in a large cave, naked people groaning & crawling against the walls, i was the only one clothed & upright. there appeared a pool of luminescent blue water & a figure emerged holding an open black book, he grimaced "this is not how you die" & pushed me into the water. i fell thru light, thru water, thru darkness, then i recognized the earth rushing, falling back into my body.
Last Time: on a mound, hill, mountain (?) nothing but fog below, gray above. it's Yeshua in a recognizable form. "if you try again, i'll send you back unable to hurt yourself". (i know what He meant)
This is a profound and moving Open Letter. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing Ex.
“suicide is handing your hell to everyone around you, and you are not mentally well enough to know how deeply your pain will transfer, or to whom.”
This is profoundly true ^ the pain does not go away.
Suicide is a deeply egocentric act.
Medically assisted suicide, as liberal as it seems to be in places like Canada... it’s harmful to the fabric of society and the medical profession.
I’ve flirted with suicide since I was 16. Part of it comes from growing up online, I think. There’s messages about it everywhere. That it’s the answer to suffering. And though I’ve done a lot of healing, the answer pops into my head even still. It’s hard to break out of the habit of thinking it’s the answer.
Yknow, one of the things that helped me a lot when I go through those depressive swings was something you said Exulansic. Depression alters your memory. It makes you think that all you’ve ever known was pain in an attempt to beckon you into darkness. So when it hurts so much it feels like it’s all I’ve ever known, I force myself to sit down and remember. I write down the names of everyone I care about, wrack my memory for it. Then everything I care about. And at the end it doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore. Understanding how depression can alter your memory and doing specific exercises to counteract that has been a gift I can’t thank you enough for.
I hurt so much for those pining for medical retransition. What beautiful souls they must be to have been hurt so much and yet continue to trust. I’m angry that doctors get to abuse that trust again and again. I sincerely hope they find healing and acceptance within themselves, and that people would stop telling everyone that answer is an external one.
you describe something similar to the gratitude list exercise, which has been shown to change brain activity. It is actively helpful.
What 'ME' below said. An incredibly helpful post, really an essay worth wider sharing. And this because when a functioning, achieving, articulate person discloses they themselves have actively asked for help, and many times, it goes a long way to destigmatize both the taboo, secretive thoughts of un-@living, and the choice to reach out.
The writer Donald Antrim has also written quite a bit on his own long-term struggle with mood disorder and his obsessive thoughts about un-@living and his choice to hospitalize for long periods at times. It's remarkable writing, easily found in excerpts in the New Yorker and I think a recent memoir.
“I truly believe we do not survive our own death, and there is nothing on the other side. I believe if you believe otherwise, you are certainly mistaken, and have entertained fantasies and believed lies.” If you are a materialist, then it is *yourself* who is mistaken, have entertained fantasies, and believed lies. There is no evidence for a dead, chemically driven universe, only this fallacy that serves established interests. Please check out the newest images from the James Webb Space Telescope. Heterodox scientists have stated for *decades* that there’s no evidence of any Big Bang, ever! Redshift does not equal distance or age, nor is the universe expanding. Dark matter and dark energy are religious concepts concocted out of thin air, because they are pathologically unable/refuse to correct errors in their theory, and build upon that scurrilous theory previously expounded upon. A shaky scaffold indeed! We need a paradigm shift to take place in the institutions that dare to call themselves “scientific” authorities. I think that most of your commenters would be in agreement about our admiration for The Scientific Method. Unfortunately, The Scientific Method isn’t what guides these institutions in the first place. They are ruled by politics, which always serves the ruling class at the expense of everyone and everything else. There’s not much Science being conducted by these institutions, as their thinking is quite fossilized. Materialism as a belief system is at least as harmful as organized religion has been and is. I just decided to go looking for some Science in the industries that purport to be scientific, and really just can’t find any significant amounts of it. At the institutional level, the authorities strongly resemble constipated elders with neurological deficits like dementia. Civilization, as it has expressed itself under patriarchy, is nothing more than group mental illness. Most as-called civilized people in my observation are terrified of Nature and codependent with technological civilization in distancing themselves from and abusing it. Civilized people are the sickest, silliest people on the planet! Surely something profound has caused people to go down this path. The Late Bronze Collapse was a much bigger deal than mainstream “scientific” authorities have considered it to be, as in there were profound effects on people at that time, and massive implications for civilizations that restarted or formed after it. I hope our species survives long enough to discover what those ancient conditions actually were, but it isn’t looking good to me at the moment. I now am as impatient with materialism as I used to be with persons of faith. Just wait until you’ve been exposed to a truly broad range of scientific opinions on the matter, and you’ll begin to hear the geologist’s tales about their false history of the Earth as quite like the silly fantasies that come out of religious scriptures. These “scientific” authorities deserve a lot more scrutiny from the public about their activities and claims than they’re currently receiving. How many lobotomy-type scandals will the public endure before they understand that this is a priesthood not unlike the papacy? Mechanical, materialist reductionism was invented by men of faith who believed in their own superiority to the papacy. They were for the most part monied men tinkering with adult Tinkertoys, and viewed the universe as a grand clockwork, with a clockmaker (a.k.a. “God”) outside of time that created it. The Big Bang Theory was approved of by Catholic and Protestant leaders, probably because of this. No problem with people thinking or saying what they do, as long as we can freely state our own objections to seemingly “settled” science. I encourage no one to place their *faith* in these institutional authorities, but do hope for greater awareness of the lack of objectivity and accountability they currently have, and actual, increased application of The Scientific Method. Thanks for letting me comment here. I’m not as pissed off at the m-f-ers tonight. (My sister is a political prisoner in a headshrinker institution. Nineteen years and counting.)
It’s the lengthening of wavelength of electromagnetic radiation. Wikipedia says it better than I can off the top of my head: “In physics, a redshift is an increase in the wavelength, and corresponding decrease in the frequency and photon energy, of electromagnetic radiation (such as light). The opposite change, a decrease in wavelength and simultaneous increase in frequency and energy, is known as a negative redshift, or blueshift. The terms derive from the colours red and blue which form the extremes of the visible light spectrum.” Supposedly, observers predicted that they’d find redshifted and primitive galaxies at the edge of the known universe, but they’ve now seen (with JWST) that there are celestial objects within the same galaxies that display vastly different redshifts, meaning that redshift cannot be indicating age nor distance, as well as there being no discernible “edge” that they expected, only more well-formed galaxies that according to their (faulty) theory, shouldn’t be there at all. Kind of like the result of the Hubble Telescope’s Deep Field image. Instead of scrapping BB Theory, they continually tweak it to match recent observations! That’s not how Science is supposed to work. Viable cosmological theory should be based primarily upon observation, not abstract mathematical theory. Since I lack formal education, I think I have some understanding of what a deaf person who lacks sign language experiences when attempting to communicate, just to a lesser degree. So many industries are directly invested in current practices that depend on the chemical (BBT) paradigm that there is rather extreme resistance to course correction. For instance, a favorite writer of mine who is an award-winning investigative journalist named Graham Hancock, gets called a “psuedoscientist” for daring to inquire of those who hold unorthodox scientific opinions (particularly in archaeology) and write about it. These are not the accusations of mature, objective scientists, but an emotionally immature and insecure group of people. I’ve read his books since 1996, and the guy writes in an exciting, gripping way about real mysteries surrounding the beginnings of civilization. It sickens me to hear of billions (and ultimately, trillions) of dollars being spent on wasteful projects such as searching for non-existent particles and the like. The fact of more than enough foodstuffs being produced every year to feed everyone on the planet, yet people are still being allowed to starve to death. This isn’t great advancement, other than advanced depravity resulting from mental illness. Anyway, we must have a paradigm shift to a more accurate theory of the universe. Materialism’s most defective offspring is Transhumanism, I think. It has led us directly to the horrors we’re currently witnessing in the medical industry. You have an active vocational life and may not be as keenly interested as I am in investigating the institutions of science, but I’m rather desperately trying to make sense of the harm I’ve so consistently been visited with by representatives mainly from the medical industry. I had “betrayal blindness” towards the psychological experts themselves, before I discovered their criminal acts committed against me when I was a child. Funny how in that industry, the more they harm people, the more business ultimately comes their way. How can anything improve in their treatment of the public if they rarely (if ever) have to be held responsible for their mistakes, incompetencies, and even criminal harms? The Tas Tepelier sites (hey, you know Turkish!) weren’t even predicted to exist at all, and then once they were discovered, the “experts” caused themselves to look foolish as hell to those of us who are keen to investigate the origins of agriculture and civilization by declaring that so-and-so many people could have erected the monoliths, etc. So they didn’t predict the existence of these sites, but once found, they know all about how and why it was done! Looks like a bunch of arrogant know-nothings to me, but maybe I’m just a grumpy old lady. Please don’t ever laugh again at human body structures that you (and the “experts”) don’t understand! The nerve connections in the human throat may have been more obviously useful in past ages than they are now, rather like the vermiform appendix. Nature isn’t wasteful or stupid, and I tend towards a humble attitude when observing or investigating biological organisms, in particular. Those claiming to be “scientific” would do well to do likewise, and then maybe they would receive more respect from the public for their efforts. If our consciousness is just a byproduct of cerebral activity, why the obsession with controlling it? Damned advertisers trying to grab our attention every waking moment in order to sell crap to us. It is imperative to distract us so that we rely on ready-made materialistic explanations provided to us by “experts.” Groupthink is destructive in every situation I’ve discovered it in, and consciousness just well may be more than what materialism leads us to think that it is. I hold out the hope that reality is far more wondrous and mysterious than we currently imagine!
I have known Him since birth. He has shown me impossible things.
think of it as another dimension. there's no linear time, it's always present for Them. some of Them are here. the Good & lots of Bad ones. They do experience time. The Good are weary of it but are dutiful.
Everyone who can reach beyond the Material (our reality) can see the veil.
Dawn & Dusk. it's the easiest time to see them. light & shadows, negative space (between the trees, among the bushes, etc..)
the Blessing to "see" The Holy is also a curse to see the demons too.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve not consciously met up with any non-physical entities myself, but some of my relatives have. I accepted the “chemical imbalance” theory until I just couldn’t any longer. The medical/psychiatric/psychological services industry harms a lot of people with its consistent denial of authentic human experience. Good of you to note that not all of the entities are helpful, either. I don’t think one of my sisters is able to determine that, which is a real downside to this kind of interaction. At least she doesn’t take doctor dope to burn her brain out and enrich Big Pharma.
i spent years, decades in & out of psych wards because of it.
for a decade i punished people who mocked me by tuning into spirits & energies around them. i told them when loved one would die or the disaster awaiting them .. but that was cruel. i was just angry.
i spent 5 years chasing pedo demons. i made mistake going after certain Catholic cult. (ended up w/a plague of frogs & i lost all my teeth. HA!)
when Yeshua says" you're either for Me or against Me". He's not talking about Himself .. He is referring to Good.
People worship Nature cuz that's a powerful Godly energy. because they want to be part of earth (many Native Americans fell into this & are still here) .. that BINDS you to this material reality.
Don't become attached to this world!
our flesh is a training center. it's to build up our Spiritual Wisdom.
from what i've seen, some are allowed to keep trying (reincarnation).
i dont know .. "lately" i see lots of zombies. "let the dead bury the dead"
Best thing is to keep an open heart. (that isn't same as being a doormat)
Trust but verify! whether it's flesh or spirit.
and sorry for rant.
the universe is intelligent design.
Science claims "dark matter" is absolutely real but has yet to confirm it.
like Gravity: there's a formula, there's math, it's observable,... but science doesn't know why. it is what it is.
I Am. God Bless !
Beautiful
This couldn't have come at a better time, Ex. When you go down the rabbit hole yet again, it seems harder to climb out each time. I feel so helpless to help and it's wearing me down. This fight for my son (who is captured) and all the others captured or about to be, is daunting at best. Once again I thank you a thousand times for your inspiring fortitude. I truly love you. 💗
Deep.
Someone once said, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. I marvel at our body's pain messaging system which alerts us to problems that require attention. I also marvel at its ability to heal itself - most of the time, and sometimes requiring help. What mostly blows my mind is that it requires little conscious direction. Whether it's physical or emotional, our innate biological processes are set up to keep us both alive and healthy. If we're living in a natural environment not filled with toxic air, water or soil, we actually do quite well. With the exception of severe injuries or congenital abnormalities.
Our problem as a species is we're too 'smart' for our own good. Our intellect outstrips our emotional maturity. We've reconfigured our biosphere to such an extreme we can no longer survive in it. Not so smart. We are short term thinkers. At least the 'civilized' members if our species. In trying to dominate and subdue nature, we've lost our vital connection to it. We're now paying the price both individually and collectively.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, Ex. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom in addressing these painful existential issues.
I have experienced/currently experiencing many of the things referenced in your piece. I do not have the words to express how enormously helpful this was for me to read and re-read.
This needs to published in a higher “traffic” spot and/or re-blogged and spread virally.
Your thinking and writing is so profound, so brilliant and so healing—such a gift to humanity. Thank you, Exulansic.
Powerful message.
It's hard sometimes to deal with my chronic pain. Especially since the opioid hysteria means it's undertreated. More than despair, most of the time I just have rage. I try to push that into fuel for my writing, passion projects, etc. But sometimes it's overwhelming.
Thank you for your words. You do a lot of good in the world.