I've experienced all aspects of suicide. My 19 year old brother's was the worst. I was 17. I hurt myself and others for 19 years, until all that became too painful and I sought help to stop.
At 6 I was told my father chose to leave us. But now that I'm a little more sophisticated, I think that it was more likely that he was suicided. They got his boss 2 years after my dad. They were brilliant mathematicians for RAND and DoD. They probably refused to do something horrible with their genius minds.
But the result was the same for my family, regardless of who pulled the trigger and arranged the body so...publicly. Someone wanted others to see what happened to my father.
So there was significant pain and trauma in that.
I know what it's like to want to end myself. There is simply no capacity to consider anyone or anything else. The mind is 100% full of pain. I tried explaining this to my best friend when she asked, "Didn't you think about what this would do to ME?"
No, I didn't. I couldn't. There was no more room in my head.
I know what it's like to want to end myself when I am emotionally healthy and otherwise happy, but my body is torturing me 24/7/365 due to "autoimmune" disease.
I got my remaining family together and said, "Look. I need you all to know I'm not depressed. But I need to kill myself because this pain never stops, and I can only lie in bed and suffer. I'm leaving. I love you all."
My sister said, "This is insane! You need painkillers!"
I had been sober for 5 years, and my sobriety was the central part of my life. Carrying on living while on painkillers had never occurred to me.
All the doctors I saw knew how painful Interstitial Cystitis was, they knew people killed themselves because of this, and not one of the doctors tried to help me.
With my family advocating for me, and paying gigantic sums of money for my painkillers, I stayed alive.
Things are much better now. I no longer need both 100 mcg fentanyl transdermal patches+120 mg oxy daily.
But I needed a lot of help, I needed the pain stopped so I could calm down, research and find dietary, herbal and lifestyle changes that would take the place of Rxs.
I did die in 1987 by accident. I wasn't trying to die. I had been hit by a bus and 3 Drs were prescribing for me. This was before pharmacies were linked. I stopped my heart when I combined all the Rxs.
I had a near-death experience that changed me forever. I chose to return to this body and this time continuum.
I didn't have to return.
I understood everything on the other side.
I understood that we are the bravest of the brave, those of us who have chosen to have lifetimes on Earth.
We are the Navy Seals, the elite souls who seek out challenges and hardships, because we know that in learning to overcome we grow exponentially.
Some souls have chosen to experience 100% separation from Source.
These are the atheists.
I don't understand this soul desire, it seems too painful, too hard.
But others do not understand the life challenges I set up for myself, so...
Every person here is worthy of honor, respect, and Love.
I lost a brother 50 years ago to "suicide by cop" (mental casualty of Viet Nam). And an employee 20 years ago who killed herself in my shop. I greive them still, but I'll never forgive them.
1st time: standing in a large cave, naked people groaning & crawling against the walls, i was the only one clothed & upright. there appeared a pool of luminescent blue water & a figure emerged holding an open black book, he grimaced "this is not how you die" & pushed me into the water. i fell thru light, thru water, thru darkness, then i recognized the earth rushing, falling back into my body.
Last Time: on a mound, hill, mountain (?) nothing but fog below, gray above. it's Yeshua in a recognizable form. "if you try again, i'll send you back unable to hurt yourself". (i know what He meant)
I’ve flirted with suicide since I was 16. Part of it comes from growing up online, I think. There’s messages about it everywhere. That it’s the answer to suffering. And though I’ve done a lot of healing, the answer pops into my head even still. It’s hard to break out of the habit of thinking it’s the answer.
Yknow, one of the things that helped me a lot when I go through those depressive swings was something you said Exulansic. Depression alters your memory. It makes you think that all you’ve ever known was pain in an attempt to beckon you into darkness. So when it hurts so much it feels like it’s all I’ve ever known, I force myself to sit down and remember. I write down the names of everyone I care about, wrack my memory for it. Then everything I care about. And at the end it doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore. Understanding how depression can alter your memory and doing specific exercises to counteract that has been a gift I can’t thank you enough for.
I hurt so much for those pining for medical retransition. What beautiful souls they must be to have been hurt so much and yet continue to trust. I’m angry that doctors get to abuse that trust again and again. I sincerely hope they find healing and acceptance within themselves, and that people would stop telling everyone that answer is an external one.
What 'ME' below said. An incredibly helpful post, really an essay worth wider sharing. And this because when a functioning, achieving, articulate person discloses they themselves have actively asked for help, and many times, it goes a long way to destigmatize both the taboo, secretive thoughts of un-@living, and the choice to reach out.
The writer Donald Antrim has also written quite a bit on his own long-term struggle with mood disorder and his obsessive thoughts about un-@living and his choice to hospitalize for long periods at times. It's remarkable writing, easily found in excerpts in the New Yorker and I think a recent memoir.
“I truly believe we do not survive our own death, and there is nothing on the other side. I believe if you believe otherwise, you are certainly mistaken, and have entertained fantasies and believed lies.” If you are a materialist, then it is *yourself* who is mistaken, have entertained fantasies, and believed lies. There is no evidence for a dead, chemically driven universe, only this fallacy that serves established interests. Please check out the newest images from the James Webb Space Telescope. Heterodox scientists have stated for *decades* that there’s no evidence of any Big Bang, ever! Redshift does not equal distance or age, nor is the universe expanding. Dark matter and dark energy are religious concepts concocted out of thin air, because they are pathologically unable/refuse to correct errors in their theory, and build upon that scurrilous theory previously expounded upon. A shaky scaffold indeed! We need a paradigm shift to take place in the institutions that dare to call themselves “scientific” authorities. I think that most of your commenters would be in agreement about our admiration for The Scientific Method. Unfortunately, The Scientific Method isn’t what guides these institutions in the first place. They are ruled by politics, which always serves the ruling class at the expense of everyone and everything else. There’s not much Science being conducted by these institutions, as their thinking is quite fossilized. Materialism as a belief system is at least as harmful as organized religion has been and is. I just decided to go looking for some Science in the industries that purport to be scientific, and really just can’t find any significant amounts of it. At the institutional level, the authorities strongly resemble constipated elders with neurological deficits like dementia. Civilization, as it has expressed itself under patriarchy, is nothing more than group mental illness. Most as-called civilized people in my observation are terrified of Nature and codependent with technological civilization in distancing themselves from and abusing it. Civilized people are the sickest, silliest people on the planet! Surely something profound has caused people to go down this path. The Late Bronze Collapse was a much bigger deal than mainstream “scientific” authorities have considered it to be, as in there were profound effects on people at that time, and massive implications for civilizations that restarted or formed after it. I hope our species survives long enough to discover what those ancient conditions actually were, but it isn’t looking good to me at the moment. I now am as impatient with materialism as I used to be with persons of faith. Just wait until you’ve been exposed to a truly broad range of scientific opinions on the matter, and you’ll begin to hear the geologist’s tales about their false history of the Earth as quite like the silly fantasies that come out of religious scriptures. These “scientific” authorities deserve a lot more scrutiny from the public about their activities and claims than they’re currently receiving. How many lobotomy-type scandals will the public endure before they understand that this is a priesthood not unlike the papacy? Mechanical, materialist reductionism was invented by men of faith who believed in their own superiority to the papacy. They were for the most part monied men tinkering with adult Tinkertoys, and viewed the universe as a grand clockwork, with a clockmaker (a.k.a. “God”) outside of time that created it. The Big Bang Theory was approved of by Catholic and Protestant leaders, probably because of this. No problem with people thinking or saying what they do, as long as we can freely state our own objections to seemingly “settled” science. I encourage no one to place their *faith* in these institutional authorities, but do hope for greater awareness of the lack of objectivity and accountability they currently have, and actual, increased application of The Scientific Method. Thanks for letting me comment here. I’m not as pissed off at the m-f-ers tonight. (My sister is a political prisoner in a headshrinker institution. Nineteen years and counting.)
This couldn't have come at a better time, Ex. When you go down the rabbit hole yet again, it seems harder to climb out each time. I feel so helpless to help and it's wearing me down. This fight for my son (who is captured) and all the others captured or about to be, is daunting at best. Once again I thank you a thousand times for your inspiring fortitude. I truly love you. 💗
Apr 29, 2023·edited Apr 29, 2023Liked by Exulansic
Deep.
Someone once said, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. I marvel at our body's pain messaging system which alerts us to problems that require attention. I also marvel at its ability to heal itself - most of the time, and sometimes requiring help. What mostly blows my mind is that it requires little conscious direction. Whether it's physical or emotional, our innate biological processes are set up to keep us both alive and healthy. If we're living in a natural environment not filled with toxic air, water or soil, we actually do quite well. With the exception of severe injuries or congenital abnormalities.
Our problem as a species is we're too 'smart' for our own good. Our intellect outstrips our emotional maturity. We've reconfigured our biosphere to such an extreme we can no longer survive in it. Not so smart. We are short term thinkers. At least the 'civilized' members if our species. In trying to dominate and subdue nature, we've lost our vital connection to it. We're now paying the price both individually and collectively.
I have experienced/currently experiencing many of the things referenced in your piece. I do not have the words to express how enormously helpful this was for me to read and re-read.
This needs to published in a higher “traffic” spot and/or re-blogged and spread virally.
Your thinking and writing is so profound, so brilliant and so healing—such a gift to humanity. Thank you, Exulansic.
It's hard sometimes to deal with my chronic pain. Especially since the opioid hysteria means it's undertreated. More than despair, most of the time I just have rage. I try to push that into fuel for my writing, passion projects, etc. But sometimes it's overwhelming.
Thank you for your words. You do a lot of good in the world.
Existence is pain.
- Mr Meeseeks
This is hands down the best piece of writing on suicide that I've ever read. And I've read Durkheim.
MAiD is evil. And very convenient for the state.
I've experienced all aspects of suicide. My 19 year old brother's was the worst. I was 17. I hurt myself and others for 19 years, until all that became too painful and I sought help to stop.
At 6 I was told my father chose to leave us. But now that I'm a little more sophisticated, I think that it was more likely that he was suicided. They got his boss 2 years after my dad. They were brilliant mathematicians for RAND and DoD. They probably refused to do something horrible with their genius minds.
But the result was the same for my family, regardless of who pulled the trigger and arranged the body so...publicly. Someone wanted others to see what happened to my father.
So there was significant pain and trauma in that.
I know what it's like to want to end myself. There is simply no capacity to consider anyone or anything else. The mind is 100% full of pain. I tried explaining this to my best friend when she asked, "Didn't you think about what this would do to ME?"
No, I didn't. I couldn't. There was no more room in my head.
I know what it's like to want to end myself when I am emotionally healthy and otherwise happy, but my body is torturing me 24/7/365 due to "autoimmune" disease.
I got my remaining family together and said, "Look. I need you all to know I'm not depressed. But I need to kill myself because this pain never stops, and I can only lie in bed and suffer. I'm leaving. I love you all."
My sister said, "This is insane! You need painkillers!"
I had been sober for 5 years, and my sobriety was the central part of my life. Carrying on living while on painkillers had never occurred to me.
All the doctors I saw knew how painful Interstitial Cystitis was, they knew people killed themselves because of this, and not one of the doctors tried to help me.
With my family advocating for me, and paying gigantic sums of money for my painkillers, I stayed alive.
Things are much better now. I no longer need both 100 mcg fentanyl transdermal patches+120 mg oxy daily.
But I needed a lot of help, I needed the pain stopped so I could calm down, research and find dietary, herbal and lifestyle changes that would take the place of Rxs.
I did die in 1987 by accident. I wasn't trying to die. I had been hit by a bus and 3 Drs were prescribing for me. This was before pharmacies were linked. I stopped my heart when I combined all the Rxs.
I had a near-death experience that changed me forever. I chose to return to this body and this time continuum.
I didn't have to return.
I understood everything on the other side.
I understood that we are the bravest of the brave, those of us who have chosen to have lifetimes on Earth.
We are the Navy Seals, the elite souls who seek out challenges and hardships, because we know that in learning to overcome we grow exponentially.
Some souls have chosen to experience 100% separation from Source.
These are the atheists.
I don't understand this soul desire, it seems too painful, too hard.
But others do not understand the life challenges I set up for myself, so...
Every person here is worthy of honor, respect, and Love.
Simply because they are here!
If you are struggling- please ask for help.
Keep moving forward.
It gets better.
It's gets so much better!!!
I lost a brother 50 years ago to "suicide by cop" (mental casualty of Viet Nam). And an employee 20 years ago who killed herself in my shop. I greive them still, but I'll never forgive them.
1st time: standing in a large cave, naked people groaning & crawling against the walls, i was the only one clothed & upright. there appeared a pool of luminescent blue water & a figure emerged holding an open black book, he grimaced "this is not how you die" & pushed me into the water. i fell thru light, thru water, thru darkness, then i recognized the earth rushing, falling back into my body.
Last Time: on a mound, hill, mountain (?) nothing but fog below, gray above. it's Yeshua in a recognizable form. "if you try again, i'll send you back unable to hurt yourself". (i know what He meant)
This is a profound and moving Open Letter. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing Ex.
“suicide is handing your hell to everyone around you, and you are not mentally well enough to know how deeply your pain will transfer, or to whom.”
This is profoundly true ^ the pain does not go away.
Suicide is a deeply egocentric act.
Medically assisted suicide, as liberal as it seems to be in places like Canada... it’s harmful to the fabric of society and the medical profession.
I’ve flirted with suicide since I was 16. Part of it comes from growing up online, I think. There’s messages about it everywhere. That it’s the answer to suffering. And though I’ve done a lot of healing, the answer pops into my head even still. It’s hard to break out of the habit of thinking it’s the answer.
Yknow, one of the things that helped me a lot when I go through those depressive swings was something you said Exulansic. Depression alters your memory. It makes you think that all you’ve ever known was pain in an attempt to beckon you into darkness. So when it hurts so much it feels like it’s all I’ve ever known, I force myself to sit down and remember. I write down the names of everyone I care about, wrack my memory for it. Then everything I care about. And at the end it doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore. Understanding how depression can alter your memory and doing specific exercises to counteract that has been a gift I can’t thank you enough for.
I hurt so much for those pining for medical retransition. What beautiful souls they must be to have been hurt so much and yet continue to trust. I’m angry that doctors get to abuse that trust again and again. I sincerely hope they find healing and acceptance within themselves, and that people would stop telling everyone that answer is an external one.
What 'ME' below said. An incredibly helpful post, really an essay worth wider sharing. And this because when a functioning, achieving, articulate person discloses they themselves have actively asked for help, and many times, it goes a long way to destigmatize both the taboo, secretive thoughts of un-@living, and the choice to reach out.
The writer Donald Antrim has also written quite a bit on his own long-term struggle with mood disorder and his obsessive thoughts about un-@living and his choice to hospitalize for long periods at times. It's remarkable writing, easily found in excerpts in the New Yorker and I think a recent memoir.
“I truly believe we do not survive our own death, and there is nothing on the other side. I believe if you believe otherwise, you are certainly mistaken, and have entertained fantasies and believed lies.” If you are a materialist, then it is *yourself* who is mistaken, have entertained fantasies, and believed lies. There is no evidence for a dead, chemically driven universe, only this fallacy that serves established interests. Please check out the newest images from the James Webb Space Telescope. Heterodox scientists have stated for *decades* that there’s no evidence of any Big Bang, ever! Redshift does not equal distance or age, nor is the universe expanding. Dark matter and dark energy are religious concepts concocted out of thin air, because they are pathologically unable/refuse to correct errors in their theory, and build upon that scurrilous theory previously expounded upon. A shaky scaffold indeed! We need a paradigm shift to take place in the institutions that dare to call themselves “scientific” authorities. I think that most of your commenters would be in agreement about our admiration for The Scientific Method. Unfortunately, The Scientific Method isn’t what guides these institutions in the first place. They are ruled by politics, which always serves the ruling class at the expense of everyone and everything else. There’s not much Science being conducted by these institutions, as their thinking is quite fossilized. Materialism as a belief system is at least as harmful as organized religion has been and is. I just decided to go looking for some Science in the industries that purport to be scientific, and really just can’t find any significant amounts of it. At the institutional level, the authorities strongly resemble constipated elders with neurological deficits like dementia. Civilization, as it has expressed itself under patriarchy, is nothing more than group mental illness. Most as-called civilized people in my observation are terrified of Nature and codependent with technological civilization in distancing themselves from and abusing it. Civilized people are the sickest, silliest people on the planet! Surely something profound has caused people to go down this path. The Late Bronze Collapse was a much bigger deal than mainstream “scientific” authorities have considered it to be, as in there were profound effects on people at that time, and massive implications for civilizations that restarted or formed after it. I hope our species survives long enough to discover what those ancient conditions actually were, but it isn’t looking good to me at the moment. I now am as impatient with materialism as I used to be with persons of faith. Just wait until you’ve been exposed to a truly broad range of scientific opinions on the matter, and you’ll begin to hear the geologist’s tales about their false history of the Earth as quite like the silly fantasies that come out of religious scriptures. These “scientific” authorities deserve a lot more scrutiny from the public about their activities and claims than they’re currently receiving. How many lobotomy-type scandals will the public endure before they understand that this is a priesthood not unlike the papacy? Mechanical, materialist reductionism was invented by men of faith who believed in their own superiority to the papacy. They were for the most part monied men tinkering with adult Tinkertoys, and viewed the universe as a grand clockwork, with a clockmaker (a.k.a. “God”) outside of time that created it. The Big Bang Theory was approved of by Catholic and Protestant leaders, probably because of this. No problem with people thinking or saying what they do, as long as we can freely state our own objections to seemingly “settled” science. I encourage no one to place their *faith* in these institutional authorities, but do hope for greater awareness of the lack of objectivity and accountability they currently have, and actual, increased application of The Scientific Method. Thanks for letting me comment here. I’m not as pissed off at the m-f-ers tonight. (My sister is a political prisoner in a headshrinker institution. Nineteen years and counting.)
Beautiful
This couldn't have come at a better time, Ex. When you go down the rabbit hole yet again, it seems harder to climb out each time. I feel so helpless to help and it's wearing me down. This fight for my son (who is captured) and all the others captured or about to be, is daunting at best. Once again I thank you a thousand times for your inspiring fortitude. I truly love you. 💗
Deep.
Someone once said, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. I marvel at our body's pain messaging system which alerts us to problems that require attention. I also marvel at its ability to heal itself - most of the time, and sometimes requiring help. What mostly blows my mind is that it requires little conscious direction. Whether it's physical or emotional, our innate biological processes are set up to keep us both alive and healthy. If we're living in a natural environment not filled with toxic air, water or soil, we actually do quite well. With the exception of severe injuries or congenital abnormalities.
Our problem as a species is we're too 'smart' for our own good. Our intellect outstrips our emotional maturity. We've reconfigured our biosphere to such an extreme we can no longer survive in it. Not so smart. We are short term thinkers. At least the 'civilized' members if our species. In trying to dominate and subdue nature, we've lost our vital connection to it. We're now paying the price both individually and collectively.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, Ex. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom in addressing these painful existential issues.
I have experienced/currently experiencing many of the things referenced in your piece. I do not have the words to express how enormously helpful this was for me to read and re-read.
This needs to published in a higher “traffic” spot and/or re-blogged and spread virally.
Your thinking and writing is so profound, so brilliant and so healing—such a gift to humanity. Thank you, Exulansic.
Powerful message.
It's hard sometimes to deal with my chronic pain. Especially since the opioid hysteria means it's undertreated. More than despair, most of the time I just have rage. I try to push that into fuel for my writing, passion projects, etc. But sometimes it's overwhelming.
Thank you for your words. You do a lot of good in the world.