There are some things worse than death, and dementia is one of them. My parents both had dementia and it's very distressing for all parties. My dad had vascular dementia and my mum had Alzheimer's. It is well known that dementia can change your habits, men who have never been violent can become very violent with dementia. You know the mechanism better than I, but it removes our self-censoring, which can make it hard for other people to cope with a patient. I know of placid men who have become overtly racist or constantly swear. I was lucky that my dad retained enough of himself that he didn't get like that, but you can imagine how dangerous such men can be.
This is why it's crucial to have single-sex spaces. If it is conditioned into people to use them at an early age, then they are less likely to forget when they get dementia as victims can often remember stuff from childhood. Even on his worst days I don't believe my dad would have walked into a room with a ladies sign on it.
There is some hope in the fight against Alzheimer's. Recent research indicates that there could be a viral link, at least in a percentage of cases. A major national study showed a reduction of about 25% in Alzheimer's in people who had received the shingles antiviral vaccine. Researchers are now looking for the reason. NB This reduction was only for Alzheimer's.
I'm so sorry you went through all that with your parents. I know what it is like for a relative to have a brain injury, that the shingles vaccine may have prevented, that affects them profoundly and cannot be corrected. I am considering hosting a Twitter space to talk about dementia.
Thank you. I'm sure others have had worse. My parents were supportive and caring, so I was happy to be there for them when they needed me, even though it was sad.
This is another reason I fight for women's rights. Even though I moved in with mum, I arranged for carers to help with her personal care as she was a very private person and wouldn't have wanted me to bathe her. I was able to arrange for only female carers in the morning for her bath. I'm horrified that some organisations are now denying same sex care to the disabled and elderly.
My Nana had both vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. If she heard someone say “pink” she would sing an extremely racist song “pink pink you stink like an N word in the sink” and she didn’t care who was around to hear it. It was extremely embarrassing in public places like the Hospital. She was also blind with Macular degeneration. Her Mind would fill in the blanks of where she couldn’t see with scary monsters and crazy nightmares but while she was wide awake, it was extremely disturbing to watch. I loved my Nana I took care of her the last years of her life and I’m glad I did because she was a great woman who deserved to die at home surrounded by family and she luckily got too do that, while many people are not so fortunate. It’s sad because you have to say goodbye twice the first time because they are just not the same person anymore and then the real death while that part is almost a relief.
I understand completely. You have to grieve them and learn to love a different person. It is a blessing to have that time but the pain of sharing it can be transformative in the best and worst ways, like eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
So sorry about your nana. I've heard of many cases like that, which is why I said I was lucky that neither of my parents had regular bad behaviour, although dad left the house and went to the police station one time to say he couldn't find my mum, even though she was at home. He just didn't recognize her.
One of the male residents at a friend's nursing home was so bad with females that they couldn't let women attend to him.. His family was deeply upset and said he had never acted like that before. Anyone who has had experience of dementia victims would understand, and not hold it against the person, but many haven't had that experience. Also, some people choose not to learn about it. My mum wouldn't come to Alzheimer's meetings with me, so she didn't understand the cruelty of dementia. She'd get very upset at things my dad said, without realizing that it was the dementia talking and not him. Ironic that she got dementia herself a decade later.
Glad your nana was able to stay at home. Taking a dementia patient out of their environment can distress them even more and shorten their life. We were getting near to the stage where I wasn't sure mum would be safe at home, but she passed before we had to decided.
You are so right about losing them twice. It's heartbreaking.
Well said ,Ex. There are multiple reasons why women need single sex spaces ,and the attacks on women by men in these spaces now feels like a tsunami ,but the trans supporters just keep doubling down !! So many women and children have now been harmed ,including in female sports etc ,yet the authorities continue to ignore the evidence. Clearly ,Women and girls don't matter and that's heartbreaking as well as infuriating.💔🤮😭😱
I love a single-stall restroom (I don’t even care if they slap a sign on the outside that says “All genders welcome”) and I wish every public place had one. Disabled people need them, and little girls traveling with their fathers, and for me (a woman who frequently gets mistook for a man) they’re just really nice to have.
My Dad has an undiagnosed form of it, and has deteriorated substantially in the year and a half I've had to live with him.
Additionally, he has significant damage from traumatic brain injuries sustained in childhood plus many impacts throughout his life. It is no less than a miracle that he still knows his own name. There have been countless brawls, falls, crashes, clubbings and decades of alcoholism. He said he started drinking and smoking at age 12. He has only a 5th grade education because he started working after his father died due to complications following a beating by a gang. My Dad is a monster, the OG of my PTSD, and all I can say is he can't help being that, because of the severe brain damage in childhood. There have been a handful of glimpses into his underlying character in the rare moments of lucidity, and I'm tenaciously hanging on to the idea that if not for the cruelty of his own youth, he might have been a good father. We both got robbed of that possibility. He's always been averse to seeking medical care and won't take medication. Due to his diet of right-wing media in addition to the aforementioned, he now believes his doctor has been "infiltrated by the Chinese Communist party". He also maintains that the Communists, or Biden, or COVID vax killed my older brother Mike who died in 2021 during or after an attempted liver transplant.
"Sane men stay out so that delusional men stand out"
There are some things worse than death, and dementia is one of them. My parents both had dementia and it's very distressing for all parties. My dad had vascular dementia and my mum had Alzheimer's. It is well known that dementia can change your habits, men who have never been violent can become very violent with dementia. You know the mechanism better than I, but it removes our self-censoring, which can make it hard for other people to cope with a patient. I know of placid men who have become overtly racist or constantly swear. I was lucky that my dad retained enough of himself that he didn't get like that, but you can imagine how dangerous such men can be.
This is why it's crucial to have single-sex spaces. If it is conditioned into people to use them at an early age, then they are less likely to forget when they get dementia as victims can often remember stuff from childhood. Even on his worst days I don't believe my dad would have walked into a room with a ladies sign on it.
There is some hope in the fight against Alzheimer's. Recent research indicates that there could be a viral link, at least in a percentage of cases. A major national study showed a reduction of about 25% in Alzheimer's in people who had received the shingles antiviral vaccine. Researchers are now looking for the reason. NB This reduction was only for Alzheimer's.
I'm so sorry you went through all that with your parents. I know what it is like for a relative to have a brain injury, that the shingles vaccine may have prevented, that affects them profoundly and cannot be corrected. I am considering hosting a Twitter space to talk about dementia.
Thank you. I'm sure others have had worse. My parents were supportive and caring, so I was happy to be there for them when they needed me, even though it was sad.
This is another reason I fight for women's rights. Even though I moved in with mum, I arranged for carers to help with her personal care as she was a very private person and wouldn't have wanted me to bathe her. I was able to arrange for only female carers in the morning for her bath. I'm horrified that some organisations are now denying same sex care to the disabled and elderly.
I'm interested in the Twitter space.
My Nana had both vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. If she heard someone say “pink” she would sing an extremely racist song “pink pink you stink like an N word in the sink” and she didn’t care who was around to hear it. It was extremely embarrassing in public places like the Hospital. She was also blind with Macular degeneration. Her Mind would fill in the blanks of where she couldn’t see with scary monsters and crazy nightmares but while she was wide awake, it was extremely disturbing to watch. I loved my Nana I took care of her the last years of her life and I’m glad I did because she was a great woman who deserved to die at home surrounded by family and she luckily got too do that, while many people are not so fortunate. It’s sad because you have to say goodbye twice the first time because they are just not the same person anymore and then the real death while that part is almost a relief.
I understand completely. You have to grieve them and learn to love a different person. It is a blessing to have that time but the pain of sharing it can be transformative in the best and worst ways, like eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
So sorry about your nana. I've heard of many cases like that, which is why I said I was lucky that neither of my parents had regular bad behaviour, although dad left the house and went to the police station one time to say he couldn't find my mum, even though she was at home. He just didn't recognize her.
One of the male residents at a friend's nursing home was so bad with females that they couldn't let women attend to him.. His family was deeply upset and said he had never acted like that before. Anyone who has had experience of dementia victims would understand, and not hold it against the person, but many haven't had that experience. Also, some people choose not to learn about it. My mum wouldn't come to Alzheimer's meetings with me, so she didn't understand the cruelty of dementia. She'd get very upset at things my dad said, without realizing that it was the dementia talking and not him. Ironic that she got dementia herself a decade later.
Glad your nana was able to stay at home. Taking a dementia patient out of their environment can distress them even more and shorten their life. We were getting near to the stage where I wasn't sure mum would be safe at home, but she passed before we had to decided.
You are so right about losing them twice. It's heartbreaking.
Elderly TIMs are going to be such a tragic danger to society. :\
Well said ,Ex. There are multiple reasons why women need single sex spaces ,and the attacks on women by men in these spaces now feels like a tsunami ,but the trans supporters just keep doubling down !! So many women and children have now been harmed ,including in female sports etc ,yet the authorities continue to ignore the evidence. Clearly ,Women and girls don't matter and that's heartbreaking as well as infuriating.💔🤮😭😱
They forget they are “trans”... Mom had it. The verbally abusive and paranoid phase was trying.
Very well articulated. We can have compassion and also firmly establish distance and boundaries.
I love a single-stall restroom (I don’t even care if they slap a sign on the outside that says “All genders welcome”) and I wish every public place had one. Disabled people need them, and little girls traveling with their fathers, and for me (a woman who frequently gets mistook for a man) they’re just really nice to have.
Thank you for writing about dementia.
My Dad has an undiagnosed form of it, and has deteriorated substantially in the year and a half I've had to live with him.
Additionally, he has significant damage from traumatic brain injuries sustained in childhood plus many impacts throughout his life. It is no less than a miracle that he still knows his own name. There have been countless brawls, falls, crashes, clubbings and decades of alcoholism. He said he started drinking and smoking at age 12. He has only a 5th grade education because he started working after his father died due to complications following a beating by a gang. My Dad is a monster, the OG of my PTSD, and all I can say is he can't help being that, because of the severe brain damage in childhood. There have been a handful of glimpses into his underlying character in the rare moments of lucidity, and I'm tenaciously hanging on to the idea that if not for the cruelty of his own youth, he might have been a good father. We both got robbed of that possibility. He's always been averse to seeking medical care and won't take medication. Due to his diet of right-wing media in addition to the aforementioned, he now believes his doctor has been "infiltrated by the Chinese Communist party". He also maintains that the Communists, or Biden, or COVID vax killed my older brother Mike who died in 2021 during or after an attempted liver transplant.