My Night of Dialectical Ethnography on Twitter

Witness the sound of my fury at interacting with a mindset I can best describe as Satanic. It is a metaphor worth understanding regardless of your atheist materialism. "The father of lies."

First off, to start, this was my soundtrack for the evening. It sets the proper mood.

I will also preface this by saying that I am effectively an Christian-flavored atheist, as that is where I came from. That is the most significant shared religious symbol system I have most access to and know intimately. I have talked extensively about my formal Lutheran education and my indigenous-Catholic fusion spiritualism that preceded that. If my pastor had not told me I was wrong for the thoughts that were happening in my 13 year old same-sex attracted mind, I may not have lost my faith. However, the damage is done now, and the wound has scarred over, and it will not be reopened.

I do not believe any of it is true, materially, yet I recognize that I have actually been saved from something awful, something I was destined towards, and that I am tasked now with saving others, if I choose to accept. I recognize this interpretation of my life as the influence of Christianity on my development, but it also tracks with the circumstances of my life as a detrans lesbian left intact and full-figured.

Yet, I do not believe the doctrine is materially true. No one is coming to help me. We are all damned. We’re alone on a rock in a cold and empty universe. But if you feel I am unfairly singling out Christianity, it is not from an outside perspective, and I ask you to please imagine a sect you do not agree with. I’m talking about them, not all Christians. I respect the complexity of the faith. I am not seeking to stereotype all Christians, which is why I regularly will argue from a Christian perspective against attempts to trans Jesus.

Now, on to the horrors of the sick sad world we live in.

This doublespeak makes me unspeakably angry. They're doing this to children. To underage girls. These girls will have to live their whole lives with this noticeable alteration in size and shape that reveals their past emotional history and cultural exposures and beliefs. That permanently marks (stigmatizes) them. As a non-lawyer, I believe that this is very clearly a criminal act in the United States federally and in most if not all states.

I’m in the process of editing a response to Dr. Tandy Aye, a pediatric endocrinologist whom I’ve dubbed “Strangers with Tandy,” who argued publicly in a 2019 Ted Talk that we should be cutting the genitals of underage children because she’d withered their gonads with drugs they did not need. They want to be doing this. That is why they are doing this!

The Eunuch Archivists like Dr. Marci “You could be a porn star, Jazz” Bowers want to create eunuchs. They’re acting out their sexual fantasies on the physical bodies of actual children like Jazz Jennings. It’s not a coincidence. That is why they seek to confuse you, to prevent you from seeing that they are doing what they want to do and chose to do. Their guilty act (actus reus) coincides with a guilty mind (mens rea). They have worked very hard to pave the way to genitally mutilate your daughters by persuading you that, presto change-o, they’ve transubstantiated, and they’re not girls entitled to the special protection afforded to girls. We must protect our daughters from this insanity.

These are very obvious genital markings - clearly, the word “disfigure” triggered them - that sexual predators can seek out and target and recognize. I was accused of “not liking” them or being disgusted by women who have been disfigured by testosterone. I am not. People have said that lesbians aren’t attracted to trans men because they look like men. People fundamentally misunderstand same-sex attraction. It’s about sex. A woman does not have to look like a cultural stereotype to be attractive to me. The figure - the shape, the form - has been altered, to make it more similar to male genitalia. That’s the point of bottom growth: to disfigure the genitalia, to make it more like male genitalia, often in preparation for more elaborate dis-figuring surgeries, which further seek to change the shape and size and overall figure.

This reads as trauma-fueled projection. Please do not try to predict which members of the female sex I will find attractive based on stereotypes about what makes a woman attractive (to men), as it is degrading. To deny that there are detrans women disgusted by their bodies and what was done to them, who are struggling with the trauma of that sexual violation that occurred when they were children or when they were acutely mentally ill, is to confine them with it. They need to process these feelings of shame and self-disgust. Lying to them that nothing has been visibly changed, keeps them in a delusional state. And because testosterone is a carcinogen, the growth caused by testosterone use is not automatically benign. The Planned Parenthood paperwork posted by GenderMapper did not emphasize the carcinogenic effects of this drug. There were no photos of tumor-labias to truly inform their consent, the way there are black tumor-lungs on packs of cigarettes. They might not wanna buy their first pack!

These girls who have been medically mistreated and the women they become do not deserve to endure such exulansis. They deserve their voice and space for the complexity and contradictions of their feelings, including the immature impulse to place those feelings of self-disgust onto another person (scapegoating) to create a circumstance of permissible externalization of the feelings. Girls who survive this genital disfigurement are not ugly or unattractive, but the figure they had is gone, and it is gone because it was taken from them, and therefore it represents a loss.

If I were so honored, however, I am sure I would find every woman beautiful, scars, tumors, and all. I’ve loved many chronically ill, gender non-conforming, reproductively-tumor-ridden women with scarred bodies, with disfigured parts, amputations, and other histories. As a disabled person, I’ve come to the conclusion through experience that relationships across the ability divide are so difficult as to be functionally impossible to sustain and therefore are a poor investment of my limited energy. The loss of the former figure is a physical state. And a woman who has been disfigured, needs to grieve the loss, not be told she is fine this way too, and to stop bringing it up. For fuck’s sake. Just go to her and let her cry into your shoulder. What is so hard about loving a woman?

These genital modifications are being carried out for non-medical, cultural and religious reasons. How these doctors still have licenses is beyond me. It must be easier to sleep without a conscience. The fury I feel that these utterly shameful, complete disgraces of professional organizations makes smoke come out of my ears. I am looking at you AAP, AMA, and CHA, as you sent that letter attempting to bring down the banhammer of the federal government onto my social media accounts (WTF!) for telling the verifiable truth, a Constitutionally protected activity, that Vanderbilt has acknowledged, that your physicians have openly advocated for years in Tedx talks, that they are disfiguring the genitals of healthy children - giving them sex lobotomies - for non-medical, “gender affirming” reasons. I know I am not the only outspoken woman they are seeking to punish for not veiling our words shame-facedly. I stand with the women of Iran because our fight is the same.

They are doing all of this while WPATH is openly cavorting with an organized group of castration fetishists. How apparent does their intent have to be, America?! WAKE UP.

Big Testosterone is telling these girls that their carcinogen is the healthier choice that prevents cancer through the power of good vibes inspiring you to avoid carcinogens generally… except theirs. It’s superstition. Big testoterone is profiting from doctors telling parents that it’s either an enlarged clitoris or suicide or lung cancer that she’s inevitably gonna get from all the smoking she’s definitely gonna do later because she’s sad and scared now about becoming a woman. As a former teenage girl, I have every right to my anger about this. I have every memory of how vulnerable I was, and I want to protect that girl, who became this woman, and I want to protect the women who are girls now. There are real treatments for smoking cessation, and 12 year olds shouldn’t be smoking. Enlarging your clitoris or having your church beat the demons out of you is unlikely to be efficacious at helping a person addicted to nicotine quit smoking.

The story is that taking this drug will keep them from smoking, because the gender euphoria will replace it and they’ll feel so affirmed and accepted. This magically will prevent cancer by inspiring better choices, because the vibes will be so on that they won’t need to self-harm. They are cast as a category that’s destined for doom, and medicine is saving them by selling them an alternative doom. It’s a con. The racket is laughing all the way to the bank and Jon Stewart is crappy laugh tracking right back. “They’re doing this to children.” - Magdalen Berns.

Thanks to the investigative work of Alix Aharon, the GenderMapper, I also learned that Planned Parenthood’s paperwork only warns those receiving testosterone of their pregnancy risk. This means Planned Parenthood recognizes that trans women, being male, have no pregnancy risk, even though females taking the same hormones as male trans women take do still have a risk of pregnancy and are presumably warned by Planned Parenthood that no form of hormonal birth control is 100% effective. So strange that they categorically do not believe males can get pregnant. Is sex real, Planned Parenthood? There’s a lot of medical implications to recognizing that sex is real, after all. Like preventable heart attacks caused by giving testosterone to teenage girls.

This is an acknowledgment of the reality of the biological sex difference between males and females. Yet the ACLU is lying their ass off in California courts, saying there is no difference, so lock women in cages with convicted male rapists. We are living through a pornarchy. I believe they are motivated by profits and sexual gratification here, too, and that they are filming and selling the result. I won’t link to evidence for this, but I am aware it is out there. The Republicans have said they want to farm us for the domestic supply of infants, so that’s another benefit to breeding us like dogs in a puppy mill. In some cases they are literally selling keys to women’s cells to male prisoners and sitting back while the rape-athons happen. Wake up, America! “Hide yo’ kids. Hide yo’ wife. They raping everybody out here.” - Antoine Dodson

Please know that if you are fighting this, you are on the right side of history, fighting against truly evil forces, driven by an unholy marriage of capitalist profit-seeking and religious ecstasy. You are preventing preventable heart attacks. You are preventing preventable cancers. You are working to protect girls from being permanently sexually marked - stigmatized - in a way visible to others and intelligible to others, making them targets for predators and setting them up for people to react with disgust, in order to emotionally manipulate (abuse) them and gain control over them. Others will know what it says about her, that it says something about her, that she took this drug in the past. Others will know her trauma. The horror of this is unimaginable to me at times, and inexpressible. I become apoplectic. It makes me so angry that I start to understand why God flooded the world. We are living through a hell.

When I first terfed out, it was because I said that men and women have different heart attack symptoms, believing it to be non-controversial. I discovered that this true fact was now considered blasphemous. They know that these drugs affect the physical structure of the heart. They may not be bright enough to picture the implications of thickened heart walls combined with female proportions, but I am, because I am a medically-trained artist in a family of physicists and engineers who survived someone with Marfan syndrome. Marfan patients typically die by aortic aneuryism and experience valve issues. I have thought a lot about his heart, which now beats in someone else. The fluid dynamics of blood have similarities with the fluid dynamics of air inside the larynx.

Because they either 1. want to keep taking the drugs themselves, to regulate their emotions or 2. want to keep selling the drugs, they’ve persuaded themselves first, and now it’s your turn, that it is okay to derange the structure of a healthy girl’s developing heart, it’s okay to create preventable heart attacks in healthy girls, because she has teenage angst about becoming a woman. She cannot possibly imagine nor consent to the risks inherent. And the risks are not magically mitigated because the heart is smaller. In fact, thickening the walls of a smaller structure becomes a problem much faster, when the structure is designed to pump a specific volume of fluid. Hypertrophic cardiomegaly is bad. Look at the loss of vocal function and extend that to the heart, which you cannot hear struggling as easily.

To give an example of why smaller means more vulnerable, I recently lost a dear friend to a hereditary cancer. She was a kidney transplant recipient in childhood, which had stunted her growth, leaving her about 4’11. As a female, she had female proportions. The cancer could have developed anywhere in her vascular system, but because of physics, because of inflammation, because form follows fucking function, it developed in her liver. It quickly blocked her inferior vena cava, leading to untreatable swelling in her legs that took her mobility first. On her wedding day, in the hospital, she was jaundiced, with slurred speech, and in a wheelchair. Her legs were visibly engorged with fluid. There’s a part of me that broke off that day and was buried with her. I remember her tiny hands holding mine.

Because she was immunosuppressed, there was nothing holding the cancer back. They couldn’t take her off the immunosuppresants or she would lose the kidney. And she needed the kidney to take the chemo. But there wasn’t any time nor any point to doing chemo because the placement, the positioning of this damned unopposed arterial tumor that was located within the liver, had become an uncuttable Gordion knot within a few weeks of the first sign of a problem. The chemo would have fried what remained of her liver and kidney, and then they discovered the brainstem metastasis that would ultimately stop her breathing.

Every possible pathway was a dead end. She died confused, itchy, and in pain, with her only relief being the hand of her beloved and faithful husband - the platonic ideal of manhood, in my opinion, based on how he handled such an impossible situation as the Final Destination truck smashing through their beautiful life that they had built over 5 years, that I had witnessed. He married and buried his wife in less time than a summer vacation, and he did so with unimaginable grace. We should all be so lucky to have a partner like that.

I share this because this is the fate that these bastards are signing up girls for. Some of these girls will die of preventable cancers. They don’t know it. They want to tell themselves they’re somehow preventing cancer by selling them a different carcinogen they can use to regulate their emotions. It’s a level of insanity that makes me want to peel off the yellow wallpaper and crawl inside.

My icon, the painting that is on my merch and all my social media, is a portrait of how I imagined she felt in her final moments. She had to fight for each breath as her brain’s function became increasingly and hopelessly deranged. She had to fight for one more minute with her husband. She had to delay his loss one more moment. She had to fight. It was her only option. In her case, it was a doomed fight.

It doesn’t matter how long we’ll be able to fight. We have to fight, now. Or else these girls will die horribly, decades before their time, because they were predictably angsty as teens. The strength and grace my friend showed to me in those final weeks is unimaginable to me now, looking back. She just wanted to see 40. Life would not even give her that, and so she thanked the world for a wonderful time, never blaming God, like Job. But she was not going to get a new body like Job’s new daughters. And so we need to fight. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. And these girls are being set up to get cancers by predatory medical industry. My friend’s cancer treatment was over half a million dollars for a doomed, 2 month fight. CHA CHING, to this cadre of predatory industries.

Thank you to all who subscribe, follow, donate, and otherwise support me financially, emotionally, and with clout, for making this work possible. If I can save just one more person then I know I have to keep fighting.